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[This edited version of the article has been prepared by Dr Robert N Moles]

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Justinian 3 May 2006 – Evan Whitton – “The Lindberg Question”

OK Cole is desperately in need of assistance from the expert on Royal Commissions. Jackie Howard, Maida Vaile and Bunter Downer all used variations of the Ostrich Defence. They need to be dragged back and asked the Lindberg Question. Australian subscribers will be aware that the Hon Terence Rhoderic Hudson (OK) Cole QC, 68, is investigating the truth about the great Saddam Bribes Scandal, but may feel hamstrung by the Government’s terms of reference, which conveniently preclude adverse findings about politicians. That leaves the court of public opinion. OK may feel obliged to assist that useful body to reach whatever findings may be appropriate by examining the defences mounted by politicians to, as they fondly hope, deflect public odium.

They are primarily Prime Minister J. Winston (Jackie the Lackey) Howard, 66,
Deputy Prime Minister M.A. James (Maida) Vaile, 50,
and Foreign Minister A.J. Gosse (Bunter) Downer, 54 – or JMB for short.

OK will be able to tick off and examine which, if any, of the following defences they have deployed.

The Ostrich Defence: Nobody told me.

President Bush’s chum, K. Lee (Kenny Boy) Lay, 64, CEO Enron 1986-2002, is hoping this one will save him going down for 175 years on charges of fraud and making false statements, e.g. urging people to buy Enron stock when he was selling, similar to the late Rene Rivkin.

The Shifting-the-Goalposts Defence: It’s someone else’s fault.

Kenny is also blaming The Wall Street Journal.

The Incompetence Defence: I didn’t read the important paperwork.

One assumes this is also part of Kenny Boy’s defence.

The Alzheimer/Brain Damage Defence: I don’t remember.

Mr Andrew Lindberg, managing director of the Australian Wheat Board 2000-2006, uttered those dread words, or similar, 200+ times.

Finally, John (The Maltese Falcon) Agius SC, OK’s counsel assisting, put what might go into the law manuals as the Lindberg Question: “Are you a complete fool, Mr Lindberg?”

“I am not a complete fool,” was the dignified reply, and he had a doctorate in science and a million a year from the wheat board to prove it.

The Bill Bayeh Defence : I am too stupid to know what is going on.

This one gets its name from Kings Cross drugs entrepreneur Bill Bayeh, brother of Louie.

If racehorse trainer Gai Waterhouse is correct in suggesting that Sydney’s eastern suburbs are ankle-deep in snow, Bill is entitled to a large share of the credit: he was smart enough to know that cocaine is more profitable than horse: the customers can take more hits per day. But after Bill was lumbered in possession, a shrink said his IQ was down in the vicinity of 20 Celsius (70 Fahrenheit) and, expertly defended by the Hon (as he now is) G. Reginald James QC, he got off.

There is, incidentally, a defence that may work if the worst comes to the worst for Wheaties, if any, who paid bribes to Saddam, and who feel their designated role is that of the shag on the rock, i.e:

The Prince of Denmark Defence: Where is the other guy?

That is, you can’t put on Hamlet without the Prince of Denmark.

The Hon (as he now is) I.D. Francis Callinan QC used this one to win a libel trial in which Sir Les Thiess said Channel 9 was nasty to say “Sir” J. Bjelke-Petersen extorted bribes from him. Bjelke was the absent prince. The Wheaties might say: where are certain princely politicians?

Searching for the truth is a stock-in-trade for even the humblest reporter, but a refreshingly new experience for lawyers. Sensible inquiry persons thus take all the help they can get from organs of the media.

Mr Jonathan Holmes (Four Corners), Mr Nicholas Grimm ( The 7.30 Report) and others have usefully been adding to the sum of OK’s knowledge. The 1983 Wran Royal Commission chaired by Sir Larry Street CJ, NSW, even took an overnight steer from your correspondent.

Assigned by the SMH to do the jokes at the inquiry, I was running a little shoe trope – will the other drop? – and when one didn’t, offered a polite suggestion.

Next day, Michael Grove QC, counsel assisting, cheerily said he’d been asked by “an expert on Royal Commissions” to ask a certain question. The answer led to irresistible conclusions:

1. Chief magistrate Murray Frederick Farquhar was taking bribes from a famously organised criminal, George David Freeman, in the form of weekly tips on fixed horse races. Good night and good luck, Murray.

2. Only the bravest would bet on a horse race without inside info from a crim.

Perhaps this episode was the reason the Hon the Premier, Mr N.K. Wran QC, kindly dubbed me “Whitton QC”, but I rather doubt it.

In the same helpful vein, we might offer a couple of suggestions to OK in his great task of holding our gallant politicians up to public gaze. They seem to have been relying on the Ostrich Defence and elegant variations thereof, but they made only cameo appearances at the inquiry, and a shoe or two did not have time to drop.

OK could call them back, complete with IQ tests and brain scans, and put the questions: “You say no-one told you. Does that mean you are too stupid to know what’s going on? Or too incompetent? Or too brain-damaged?”

He might even put the Lindberg Question.

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